Fun With Insomnia Blog

Is the game already in the bag or has it just begun?

I’m rooting for both of them (even as a Libertarian Chicago fan) but I’m afraid the Steelers are a much safer bet, even in a game where anything can happen.

The Steelers at the AFC division championship game should become engaged in a defensive standoff with the Ravens. Obama has to deal with the offensive standoff between Israel and Palestine.
I don’t know about you but I’d rather be slide tackled Terrell Suggs than have Hamas lobbing rockets at me.

The Steelers, coming off a victory in the Tennessee, should have plenty of momentum to propel them through to the Superbowl. Obama is facing an economic downturn that may have plenty of momentum to drag us all into the worst recession, if not worldwide depression we have ever seen.
Not making it to the Superbowl vs. potential famine, calamity and poverty for millions… Eh, depends on if your in the game I suppose.

The Steelers have already won two hard fought victories over the Raven’s this season. Meanwhile the US is embroiled in two front’s in the Mideast that can’t exactly be called victory’s at this point. I’d take the latter option if I was Nixon in the middle of Watergate.

The horses I had in the race are already out of it, but it’s incumbent upon us as Americans to have faith and hold our leaders to a higher standard which I’m hoping Obama can measure up to. This one isn’t just a game, Obama gets sacked and we’re all in for a world of hurt.

Here’s to our new quarterback and hoping the blooper reel turns out in our favor. I’ll admit, I’m skeptical, because in the words of George Will “Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. “

The Possible Causes of Chronic Insomnia
By Sarah Walker with commentary by the site admin

Chronic insomnia is a complex medical condition, often resulting from a number of factors. Underlying mental or physical disorders can trigger chronic insomnia. <— I’m going to try and have some fun with you here Sarah but you may be too educated for me to poke too many wholes in your logic if the rest of this article follows this level of logic and writing…. Please don’t misunderstand, we know there are a few good medical professionals and researchers out there.

Depression most commonly causes chronic insomnia. <— yeah but being sad is not a disease let’s not forget.

Other mental disorders like chronic anxiety and bipolar (manic) depression also cause chronic insomnia. It has been found that about 70% of people diagnosed with depression experience insomnia. Depressed people tend to have abnormal levels of stress hormones. These abnormalities can impair sleep. It should be noted, though, that emotional/mental problems can be caused by insomnia, which is why it can be difficult to determine if the insomnia triggered the emotional/mental problem or the emotional/mental problem triggered the insomnia. <— At least she admits it, they still don’t know WTF they are talking about.

Arthritis, allergies, heart failure, hypertension, kidney disease, sleep apnea, asthma, restless legs syndrome, narcolepsy, hyperthyroidism, Alzheimer’s disease, ADHD and Parkinson’s disease have also been found to be the underlying causes of chronic insomnia. <— people who are in pain don’t sleep well, glad my taxes are being used to fund this genius research.

However, physical and mental disorders are not the only things that may cause chronic insomnia. Behavioral factors such as addiction to caffeine, alcohol and other substances, disrupted sleep/wake cycles and chronic stress can cause chronic insomnia. <— lol, eat a lot of speed and jack with your metabolism and you may not rest well either… sheesh why didn’t I think of that.

In women, hormone fluctuations can significantly impair sleep. It is known that progesterone aids in sleeping. During menstruation, progesterone levels go down, causing insomnia. During ovulation, progesterone levels go up, causing sleepiness. During the first and third trimester, pregnant women will experience abnormal drops and rises in progesterone levels, resulting to disrupted sleep patterns, which can eventually develop into chronic insomnia. <— women are nutz, always have been, check. (Sorry ladies, but even you have to admit those hormones are vicious.)

Women who are in the first phase of their menopause can also develop chronic insomnia because the the extreme fluctuations in hormone levels. The common symptoms of menopause are hot flashes, anxiety and sweating, and these frequently occur at night during sleep. Women who are in the menopausal stage may also be experiencing psychological distress, triggering insomnia.

As we age, surges of growth hormone (a substance associated with sleep) become blunted. Levels of major stress hormone, cortisol, have been observed to increase in older people in some studies, but results are not yet conclusive. Levels of melatonin, a hormone that is produced by the pineal gland and is linked with sleep, are found to not decrease as a person gets older.

Children whose bedtime schedules are not being regulated by parents tend to develop mild or occasional insomnia. However, a child’s temperament has been found to be directly linked to serious sleep disturbances and insomnia. For instance, children who were intense, high-strung and easily upset were found to have sleep problems than children who do not have such temperament. However, the study did not test if the traits could have been triggered by problems in the home (e.g., parental depression or marital discord).

Sarah Walker is a health and fitness enthusiast. She currently runs a website helping people with Insomnia. To find out more information and help, go to http://insomniasymptoms.org

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sarah_Walker

Chronic Insomnia Treatment – How Cognitive Behavior Techniques (CBT) Worked For Me
By Nick Robinson Platinum Quality Author and commentary by the site admin.

For over 10 years I suffered with chronic insomnia. And I do mean suffered. <--- Quick someone call the whaaaaambulance.

My persistent sleeplessness had a disastrous effect on virtually every aspect of my life. Life is hard enough as it is, but trying to make it through each day on little if any sleep is like dragging a 200-pound block of cement behind you all day. <--- yes it is, but its been part of that "hard" life for very long time. Generally there's usually a good reason for these things we tend to whine so much about.

Chronic insomnia (or long-term insomnia or hyper-insomnia as it is sometimes called) is nearly relentless sleeplessness that can last indefinitely, even for one's entire life, if no effectual treatment is received.

Chronic insomnia grows out of short-term insomnia and is mainly caused and perpetuated by unfounded, negative thoughts and self-defeating behaviors associated with sleep.

Road To Recovery

I started on the road to recover when I realized that the "secret" to beating insomnia is to be analytical in one's approach toward it. For many years, I was merely emotional about my sleeplessness, and this helped to cause the problem to spiral further out of control. <--- and this dude calls himself a man? Reason good, yes.......

Being analytical toward my sleeplessness prompted me, over many years and much trial and error, to develop a systematic solution that basically cured me of insomnia.

Cognitive-behavioral Solution

My solution is mostly based on cognitive and behavioral techniques.

By cognitive, I mean that I taught myself the proper, rational way to think about and evaluate sleep. For example, I worked to eliminate such negative thoughts as "I know I will sleep poorly tonight." These kinds of thoughts invariably result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

By behavioral, I mean that I eventually stopped acting in ways that perpetuated and fed the insomnia. For instance, instead of avoiding being active because I was tired, I would act as if I were not too tired. Being active helped to wear me out which would result in better sleep. In addition, being active sent the message to my subconscious that I was not someone crippled with sleeplessness, but that I was normal. Such a message would help to reduce the anxiety I felt at bedtime. <--- (eyes rolling around in my head like spinners) does this stuff really need explanation?

Chronic insomnia can be very difficult to overcome. Don't give up hope, however, if you suffer with it. If you work hard and put forth plenty of thought, action, and perseverance, you can rid yourself of it. I'm living testimony to that. <--- golf clap, you pulled your head out of your ass.

For information on the techniques I used to overcome chronic insomnia, visit Chronic Insomnia Treatment or Sleep Better. The information is free.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nick_Robinson

Pet Jokes and Animal Stories – My Top 15 Favorite
By Helen McClary

I design pet memorial photo jewelry and many days I find myself comforting those who have lost a pet so dear to them. Whenever I get the chance I like to give myself a laugh or cheery thought. I started a collection of jokes that I find funny and sorted them by subject. I’ve picked out fifteen of my all time favorite animal/pet jokes and I’d like to share them with you today. So if you love cats, dogs, birds … sit back, read, enjoy and feel free to share.

1. Emotional Dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of movie, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the movie.

After the movie had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. It’s remarkable!” “Yeah, it is,” said the man. “He hated the book.”

2. Computer Using Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars”.

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told “That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told “That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

Needless to say this begs the question “What can IT do?”

To which the owner replies “To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”

3. Seeing Eye Dog

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.” The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

4. Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–”Well yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies”. So the farmer says–”Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

5. Talking Dog

One day, down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars”.

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

6. Rude Parrot

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon’s outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior”.

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued…”May I ask what the chicken did?”

7. Animal Magnetism

Three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach a lovely female poodle first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three would-be suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular chocolate Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny golden retriever and said, “How well can you do.”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the golden retriever.

“My, my,” said the poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is a Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the chocolate Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

8. Heroic Pig

A farmer walked into a bar with his pig and ordered a drink. The bartender could not help asking the man why his pig had a peg leg. “Well, you see,” said the farmer, “this is an amazing pig. Why, two years ago, my son was chopping wood in the field when a tree collapsed on him, pinning him to the ground and making breathing difficult. The pig, which was in the area, ran to get assistance and, squealing loudly, led us to my son to rescue him.”

“You’re right, that is an amazing story. But why does your pig have a peg leg?”

This is no ordinary pig,” the farmer continued. “One night while we were sleeping, our barn caught fire and the pig managed to squeeze through a little hole in the wall and circle our house, squealing as loud as it could to wake us up. We were able to save all of the animals.”

“Wow. Incredible. But why does the pig have a peg leg?”

“Wait. Once, our home caught on fire. The pig managed to run to the next house over and wake the neighbors, who were able to save us and help put out the fire.”

“OK. OK. The pig is amazing. But why the peg leg?” the bartender demanded.

“An amazing pig like this. You can’t eat it all at once.”

9. Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“That must be a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

10. Mickey Mantle Goes Hunting

Supposedly this is a story in baseball great Mickey Mantle’s autobiography.

Mantle, with several friends, was out looking for a place to hunt. They pulled into a farmer’s yard, and Mantle got out and went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?” Mantle took a look, said “sure,” and headed back to the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, Mantle rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. “There,” shouted Billy Martin. “I got the cow!”

11. Give The Cat a Job

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out “Hello! I’d like to apply for the job.”

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying “Oh, I’m sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file.”

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can’t possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. “You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy.”

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops.

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn’t going to give him a job.

“Well, you’re an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you’re a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual.”

The cat stares imploringly into the owner’s eyes and says “Woof!”

12. Elephant Memory

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.

“I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?” the man muses to himself.

Maybe twenty years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.

The man wonders, “Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?” He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant’s face.

The elephant reached down… picked the man up carefully with its trunk… lifts him high in the air… then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn’t the same elephant.

13. Conniving Canine

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.”

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, he slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey? I just can never trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back !!”

14. Cats According To Dave Barry

Cats According To Dave Barry – Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means: “Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.”) Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners’ wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.”

15. How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

2. With right hand, stroke cat’s throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.

5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn’t know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can’t come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

Well there you have it. My top 15 favorite animal and pet jokes. I hope you smiled or maybe had a laugh or two. Enjoy your day.

Helen McClary designs photo jewelry and pet memorials for the Tiger Cat Jewelry Store. If you love animals you’ll want to see the unique collection at http://www.tigercatjewelrystore.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Helen_McClary

A short bio from wikipedia.org

“George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor and author who won four Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

Carlin is noted for his political insights, his black humor and his observations on language, psychology, religion and on many taboo subjects. Carlin and his “Seven Dirty Words” comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5–4 decision by the justices affirmed the government’s right to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.

In the 1990s and 2000s, Carlin’s stand-up routines focused on the flaws in modern-day America. He often took on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture.

He placed second on the Comedy Central cable television network list of the 10 greatest stand-up comedians, ahead of Lenny Bruce and behind Richard Pryor.[20] He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and was also the first person to host Saturday Night Live.”

I find it hard to begin to write about such a master of the English language, he will likely always be my favorite entertainer. To anyone who has not heard of this great man, I strongly suggest taking a close look at his life and works.

XM Radio’s interview “Stand Up Sit Down” presented a more in depth history of this great comedian than I had previously know despite my passion for his satire.

The interview questions were taped and answered prior to the show being taped before a live audience. I heard the rehearsed, final product first. The interview ended with the host asking Carlin what he would like on his tombstone, what his epitaph should be. The philosopher/comedian had three answers he had considered. What everyone elected as the funniest was aired before the live studio audience taping “He was here just a minute ago….”. I much preferred what Carlin said was the most egotistical “He was Too Hip for the Room….” adding if life was the room, he was too hip for it.

Egotistical or not, hearing the rehearsal and original live answers and responses the last rung much more finally in my ears upon processing his death. Looking at his persona on stage and the light he shown on so many subjects really puts things in perspective from where I sit.

My vote, if it counts (and I’m sure it doesn’t ) is indeed that the egotistical view in this case is the reality.

I just can’t say enough about the man, check his work out and judge for yourself.